Seto Kaiba's Night Before Christmas
by Dark Patrician
Summary: A holiday tale that has never been told; About an anime character with a heart that's quite cold; A comedy read that's worth your time; Especially if your a fan of rhyme.


**Seto Kaiba's Night Before Christmas**

**By**

**Dark Patrician**

**All names, places, people and whatnot belong to whoever the hell they belong to. I'm sure its easy to find who they belong to but…I'm lazy, and I know I don't own any of them. This is just for holiday laughs and to dispel rumors that I died by being eaten by a heard of wildebeests while on safari in darkest Africa.**

* * *

'Twas the holiday season, specifically Christmas Eve,

And this semi-burnt fan-fiction writer had a story up his sleeve.

The city of Domino was blanketed in snow,

But this tale's not about Yugi, oh hell no!

* * *

It's a story about the Kaibas, Mokuba and Seto,

Who live in a mansion and not the ghetto.

Mokuba was tucked in and deeply napping,

Dreaming of a week going by without a kidnapping.

* * *

The manor servants slept in their beds, pillows within reach,

Dreaming of two weeks vacation on some sandy beach.

And right-hand man, Roland was sleeping next to the upstairs maid,

Smile on his face as he had just gotten…paid.

* * *

Roland, the employees, and manor servants too,

Had long since gone to bead, for it was 3:42.

But one man was awake; pen clutched in his hand,

It was Seto Kaiba planning a new addition for Kaiba Land.

* * *

"Right, so I'll buy out the old folk's home and tear it down to build the Judgeman's basketball court and Saggi's Fun House," Kaiba planned aloud.

* * *

Suddenly, there was a horrifying crash,

As half a Blue-Eyes White Dragon Statue fell off the roof in a flash.

Kaiba leapt up and closed his briefcase,

And raced for the roof via staircase.

* * *

"I don't know what crashed on my roof or what's causing this rhyming, but they're dead."

* * *

Kaiba ran up the stairs, straight to the top,

When what he saw on the roof caused him to stop.

For what to the CEO's eyes should appear,

But a horribly damaged sleigh and eight unconscious reindeer.

* * *

"What the hell is this?" Kaiba shouted. "Roland! Did you have another party on the roof?"

* * *

"I'm afraid it was me," a red suited man said after a pause.

"Hello Seto Kaiba, my name's Santa Claus."

His suit was bright red and he had a large gut.

His beard was snow white and he had an equally large butt.

* * *

"If I didn't believe in the magic that Pegasus used to trap me in a playing card, why would I believe in Santa?"

* * *

"Oh Kaiba," Santa sighed in his suit of red,

"I'm afraid the years of coal have gone to your head.

"But it's your fault you know, you've been quite naughty:

"Cruelty to Mokuba, unethical measures used during corporate buyouts, bribery, intimidation, attempted murder, kidnapping, being a jerk, abusing employees…and that was just Death-T!"

* * *

"Hey, that happened in Season 0, it doesn't count!" Kaiba snapped.

* * *

"Yes it does Kaiba; you're on my list of the bad.

"You have been for years and frankly that makes Santa mad.

"What you truly need is a hit from a fist,

"For spending your life on my naughty list."

* * *

"I'd like to see you try you fat, old fool." Kaiba retorted.

* * *

"How Kaiba? How can you be so cruel?

"We'll have to settle this like everything else with a duel."

And as if on cue, in their hand,

Appeared a duel disk, Kaiba Corp. brand.

* * *

"So now Kaiba, here are the stakes,

"When I win, you'll have to pay for all your mistakes."

"You'll be nice to everybody, especially those you've abused.

"And you help me get back to the North Pole, those are my conditions. Confused?"

* * *

"Hardly old man, but when I win you'll get that broken down bundle of wood and those deformed goats of yours, get off my property and never come back!"

* * *

"That circumstance I don't have to fear,

"And for your information they are called reindeer."

Both duel disks lit up as the trays slid into place,

"First turn honors are yours," Santa offered with a smile on his face.

* * *

"I summon Ryu-Kishin Powered (1600/1200) in attack mode as well as set one card face down. Is this getting too difficult for you old man?" Kaiba taunted.

* * *

A gruesome pink gargoyle with terrifying claws,

And an attack score that in the early days of the game would cause the opponent to pause,

Appeared on the field in a brilliant flash,

Alongside a face down spell or trap, which signaled the beginning of an epic clash.

* * *

"My draw," Santa stated as he drew his sixth card.

"My opening move won't be too hard.

"I activate my spell card _One to the Grave, One to the Hand_,

"Both duelists shall select two cards and their opponent shall select where the card shall land."

* * *

Both duelists fanned their decks and carefully chose,

Two cards that only their opponent would decided where it goes.

"Which shall I make you discard, Kaiba, the left or the right?

"I believe your left card is the correct choice tonight."

* * *

Kaiba shrugged as he discarded Mystic Horseman,

And designated Santa would discard his left card, unfortunately Makyura the Destructor which fit in with Santa's plan.

"Next I shall summon a card given to me by Ashton Kutcher,

"I call forth the rarely seen Bistro Butcher!"

* * *

A blue skinned field monster dressed like a chef,

Appeared on the field wearing a name tag which stated, "Hi, My Name is Jeff."

His right hand was tragically replaced with a hook,

And Kaiba scoffed as he saw a monster he would never give a second look.

* * *

"You must be a senile old fool if you summoned that piece of garbage."

* * *

"Your insulting nature is a trait you should lack,

"Bistro Butcher your target is Ryu-Kishin Powered, go on the attack!"

Bistro Butcher's knife, hook, and oven started Santa's quest for a win,

By making tempura, chops, and sweet and sour dishes out of the Ryu-Kishin.

_Santa 4000 : Kaiba 3800_

* * *

"Your little short order chef's effect activates, forcing me to draw two cards," Kaiba stated, but to his shock the cards would budge out of his deck.

* * *

"That's what his effect says, indeed,

"However; the target of his effect changes thanks to my Makyura triggered trap: Reward for Generosity, Punishment for Greed.

"Each time a card effect would allow you to draw,

"My trap changes the target to me, so I say Ha, Ha."

* * *

Santa glanced at his two cards, slightly elated,

When he suddenly heard Kaiba's trap card being activated.

Its card image depicted a blue haired girl,

Clutching a sword with waves of energy going around it in a whirl.

* * *

"I activate my Wish of Final Effort," Kaiba declared. "Meaning I can life points equal to my destroyed monsters attack points."

* * *

"Reading glasses I think you do need,

"For you have ignored the second effect of my Reward for Generosity, Punishment for Greed.

"Its card effect also applies to cards that would boost your points of life,

"Meaning your greed to capitalize on your monster's destruction shall only lead to strife."

_Santa 5600: Kaiba 3800_

* * *

"To end this turn, I shall set two cards face down,"

Santa declared as Kaiba looked at those cards with a frown.

Then Kaiba entered his Draw Phase, and this started to look well,

For he had he had just draw a brand new spell.

* * *

"I activate Different Dimension Hangar. I select three union monsters from my deck and remove them from play and if I summon a monster listed in the union monsters text I can special summon that monster." Kaiba quickly shuffled through his deck to remove his three union monsters. "Next I summon my Slate Warrior (1900/400) to the field!"

* * *

Slate Warrior's color scheme was definitely mishmash,

But at nineteen hundred attack points it was sure to cause a smash.

Kaiba said not a word, just pointed at the Butcher with his hand,

And his colorful fiend type monster charged forward upon his command.

* * *

"So your going to destroy my monster, is that what you think?

Because I'm activating a spell you must be quite familiar with, activate Shrink!"

Slate Warrior shrunk (1900/400 == 950/400) before being cut in half,

Activating the Butcher's modified effect causing Santa to both draw and laugh.

_Santa 5600: Kaiba 2950_

* * *

"Slate Warrior may be destroyed, but his effect activates reducing your little short order chef's attack and defense by five hundred. I set two cards face down and end my turn."

* * *

Slate Warrior's mask covered Bistro Butcher's face,

And dropped his two scores into a far lower place. (1800/1000)== (1300/500)

Two spells or traps were then placed into the position known as set,

Proving Kaiba was far from giving up yet.

* * *

"You have reduced my monster's attack points; I'll give you that,

"But you've left yourself wide open, so I summon Giant Rat!"

Giant Rat (1400/1450) was definitely a rodent of unusual size,

And seeing him played by Santa was definitely a surprise.

* * *

"Not so fast old man, I activate my face down card Cloning, which special summons a token monster to my side of the field in attack mode with the same stats as your Giant Rat (1400/1450)" Kaiba declared.

* * *

"No matter Kaiba, this delay is just small,

"Giant Rat attack the token, make it fall!"

Giant Rat raced forward using its four paws,

Until an awful sound caused the rat to pause.

* * *

"My Command Silencer activates negating your attack and then allowing me to draw one card," Kaiba explained as his spell generated a totem pole which created a horrible sound.

* * *

"Unfortunately Kaiba, you forgot my trap,

"I draw instead of you my good chap,"

Santa drew his new card and laughed with glee.

"In defense mode I now special summon my Watapon, hee hee!"

* * *

A pink fluff ball bounced onto the field for both duelists to see,

One Kaiba was familiar with from his duels with Yugi.

Kaiba growled at his opponent's antics like a clown,

Almost missing Santa putting two spells or traps down.

* * *

"My move," Kaiba growled. "I sacrifice my Rat token to summon my Kaiser Glider (2400/2200). Now Flash Glide Thunder against that weak chef!"

* * *

Kaiba's golden dragon obeyed his master's command,

When Santa pressed two buttons on his duel disk with his free hand.

"To your dragon's attack, I chain two trap cards whose modified effects I'll need,

"Activate face downs: Gift Card and The Gift of Greed.

* * *

"The first is handy to give people whom buying stuff is hard,

"I now gain a three thousand life point boost from my Gift Card.

"My second card is one whose effect would have really helped you,

"For now thanks to both my traps combined, I get to draw cards equal to the number two."

_Santa 8600: Kaiba 2950_

* * *

The dragon's fire attack did not stop,

As it burned the Butcher away and caused Santa's life points to drop.

Kaiba gave a smirk and dismissive wave of his hand to signify "Turn End".

Santa replied, "You won't be smirking for long my greedy friend."

_Santa 7500: Kaiba 2950_

* * *

"There's not much I can do this turn, hence,

"I switch my Giant Rat to defense.

"Then play Infinite Cards and end. Now if I must explain it,

"The limit on cards in my hand now becomes infinite."

* * *

"I summon Battle Ox to the field!" Kaiba declared.

* * *

A fearsome Minotaur formed with a terrifying yell,

But fortunately Kaiba Corp. had done away with the simulation of smell.

Both dragon and Minotaur let out a growl,

And waited for their master to let out a command howl.

* * *

"Battle Ox, destroy that Rat!" Kaiba commanded.

* * *

The Minotaur raced forward, incredibly fast,

Slicing apart the rodent, making it a thing of the past.

"In honor of my fallen creature, I shall not yield,

"With its effect I special summon Enraged Muka Muka (1200/600) to my field!"

* * *

A strange rock creature took the fallen rat's place,

And Kaiba stared at it with a curious look on his face.

"Like your Ox, my creatures rage shall not cease,

"And for each card in my hand he gains a four hundred attack and defense point increase!" (1200/600) == (3600/3000)

* * *

"Kaiser Glider send that little fur ball to the grave!"

* * *

Kaiser Glider fired off another burst of its Flash Glide Thunder,

And burned through the weaker monster, tearing it asunder.

"You didn't need to destroy my defenseless little one.

"You are indeed proving to be Gozuburo's son."

* * *

"That's it old man, I was holding back before, but now I'm going to destroy you! I set one card face down and end." Kaiba yelled.

* * *

Santa drew his seventh card to nobody's surprise,

As to four thousand attack points his monster did rise. (3600/3000) == (4000/3400)

"You'll change your ways Kaiba, as sure as Santa Clause is my name,

"Enraged Muka Muka attack Battle Ox for the game!"

* * *

The massive stone creature took in a deep breath,

And released a shower of stone that would mean the Minotaur's death.

But at the last second the stones changed course crushing the now armor wearing dragon of gold,

Much to the shock of the man who was very old.

_Santa 7500: Kaiba 850_

* * *

"Surprised old man? I activated my Attack Guidance Armor to redirect your attack to Kaiser Glider," Kaiba explained. "Now since my Kaiser Glider has been destroyed I can return your rock creature to your hand!"

* * *

The dragon's remains let out a glow,

And the rock monster returned to Santa's hand with gusts of wind that did blow,

"I'll set one card of each type, and since I'm doing so well,

"I activate Sanctuary in the Sky, my field spell!"

* * *

Kaiba's mansion faded away like a dream,

To be replaced by both duelists standing in a sky island that did gleam.

"And that shall conclude my turn,

"Now Kaiba why don't you play another card, bought with money you did not earn?"

* * *

"I didn't know Santa was such a bastard," Kaiba taunted. "I summon Dark Blade to the field (1800/1500)."

* * *

Kaiba's newest monster was one that had not often been seen,

A black armored warrior polished to a fine sheen.

Then out of Kaiba's continuous spell did fly,

A small black dragon which hovered slightly overhead in the sky.

* * *

"When I summoned Dark Blade, my Different Dimension Hangar activated special summoning Pitch-Dark Dragon (900/600) to my field." Kaiba explained. "Now Dark Blade attack that set monster!"

* * *

The armored raced forward and swung his large blade,

One of a set of two that were carefully made.

And the sword came crashing down upon a strange sort of thing,

A pair of angel wings attached to an orange and green ring.

* * *

"What happens now may cause things for you to get scary,

"You just destroyed my Nova Summoner, a most useful fairy.

"Normally a fifteen hundred or less attack point light, fairy I'd summon nigh,

"But this changes thanks to the presence of my Sanctuary in the Sky."

* * *

In the Nova Summoner's place, all of its energy was spent,

To ensure that a fusion of angel and centaur would make its descent.

"Thanks to both field and fairy, you must now feel the wrath,

"Of my avenging centaur angel, Airknight Parshath (1900/1500)!"

* * *

"Also Seto Kaiba, you must now read my lips,

"I activate my face down spell card, Book of Eclipse.

"All monsters on the field are now turned face down,

"But they'll return to being face up and you'll draw one for each, now do you have a reason to frown?"

* * *

"Namely, you'll use your trap's effect again drawing three cards in my place," Kaiba growled. "I place another card face down and end my turn."

* * *

Santa drew three more cards as Kaiba's monsters flipped into the mode of attack,

Hand size was definitely something that the jolly old elf did not lack.

He drew his turn starting card, bringing the total to eight,

Then flipped his Parshath face up and knew his current position was great.

* * *

"This next card Kaiba, should help you learn about generosity,

"Or at least the second word in its name, Graceful Charity!

"Three cards I draw, then two I'll discard,

"The choice here was not too hard.

* * *

"For my next move you see, may fill you with scorn,

"I activate the spell card, Monster Reborn.

"I revive from my grave a creature from the stars,

"Descend from on high, Agent of Mars (0/0)!"

* * *

An avatar for the god of war, whose skin was blood red,

Descended from the sky, and I'm not talking Kratos you knucklehead.

"But if you think that's all Kaiba, well I'm not done,

"I chain from my hand, Inferno Reckless Summon!"

* * *

"Now then number of my Agents triples from one to three,

"But now you summon any extra copies of your monsters, so let them run free!"

But the card effect resolved, and did Kaiba summon too? Unfortunately not,

For only one copy of each of those cards is what he's got.

* * *

"And now Kaiba you're in for a nasty surprise,

"With Sanctuary on the field my Agents attack and defense points shall rise!

"Since my life points are the higher of our two,

"My Agents life points will rise by an equal amount as the different between mine and the score belonging to you." (0/0) == (5750/5750) x3

* * *

Now we take a time out to talk to the reader, yes you.

The Dark Patrician may have broken a rule that is true.

If you're looking for an apology or rewrite you're out of luck,

It was for dramatic effect you dumb….duck.

* * *

"And now Kaiba, just to ensure the win,

"I tribute Parshath for his advanced form, Neo-Parshath, the Sky Paladin (2300/2000)."

Once more both duelists were forced to turn their heads to the sky,

As a gold and white fairy type monster descended with a heavenly cry.

* * *

"My new monsters effect I'll tell you of course,

"It has both Airknight's trample ability, and the stat boosting of my Agent of Force!

(2300/2000) == (8050/7750)

"I have now assembled a powerful quartet,

"And no doubt now, you are beginning to sweat."

* * *

"Just try attacking you escapee from an insane asylum!"

* * *

"Oh, well," Santa sighed, "Time to end this my greedy friend,

"Mars attack his Battle Ox and bring this duel to an end!"

The Agent of Force rose up and gave its hammer a hurl,

Which at the last second was blocked by Kaiba's trap card which created a whirl.

* * *

"I chain my face down card, Negate Attack ending your battle phase immediately!"

* * *

"Other duelists may say 'Crap,'

"For having walked into an obvious trap,

"But I'm unafraid I'm still taking you to town,

"Because like Jaden Yuki, I'm throwing down a face down."

* * *

"I don't know who that is, but I'm sure he's an annoying, Yugi-esque kid that I, or at least somebody using a deck like mine could crush." Kaiba replied. He drew a new card and gave the standard Kaiba smirk. "I activate Pitch-Dark Dragon's effect and equip him to Dark Blade."

* * *

The warrior clad in armor in black,

Gave a grunt and jumped onto the dragon's back.

The duo then rose up into the skies,

As Kaiba plotted Santa's demise.

* * *

"Next I summon X-Head Cannon (1800/1500) and with it summoned, my hangar activates summoning Y-Dragon Head (1500/1600), which in turn will summon Z-Metal Tank (1500/1300)!"

* * *

A robotic warrior painted yellow and blue,

With guns on its shoulders which totaled two,

Was then joined by its compatriot, Y-Dragon Head,

Whose blood red dragon armor gave foes reason to dread.

* * *

And finally a third machine, with bright yellow metal,

Was called to the field to help its master with his score to settle.

Then to the skies took the metallic hoard,

And united to form a large machine, ala a Megazord.

* * *

"I remove my three machine type monsters from play to special summon, my XYZ-Dragon Cannon (2800/2600)! Now I discard my final card to destroy your continuous trap!"

* * *

"Your choice in target I must ask 'Why?'

"Why my trap and not Sanctuary in the Sky?

"But before my continuous trap goes into the rift,

"My face down Card shall give me another Gift."

(5750/5750) == (8750/8750) x3 (8050/7750) == (11050/10750)

_Santa 10500: Kaiba 850_

_(Santa activated another Gift Card if you didn't figure it out.)_

* * *

"The odds are stacked against you; your defeat is at hand,

"As I quote the popular DBZ line, 'Its Over Eight Thousand'!"

"You mean 'It's over nine thousand'" Kaiba corrected.

"What Nine Thousand?" Santa replied. "That's quite unexpected!"

* * *

"Did you just use me for a rhyme?" Kaiba asked/growled. "Since I destroyed your little trap card, we both draw a card. And the card I've drawn is my Card of Demise!"

* * *

Kaiba's spell card depicted a man with his hand caught in a small guillotine.

Kaiba drew five new cards and his face grew quite mean.

His next card would assure that Santa would need first aid,

As Kaiba activated a copy of Giant Trunade.

* * *

"My spell card will return all spell and trap cards on our fields to our hands," Kaiba explained.

* * *

Both duel disks behaved in a way that was slightly unexpected,

As the dragon, field, and hangar spell were all ejected.

Then Kaiba's field card zone activated by opening its lid,

As the spell Kaiba inserted turned the entire field into a giant computer grid.

* * *

"I activate my field spell, Fusion Gate. Now as long I remove monsters from play for a fusion summon I don't need Polymerization." Kaiba stated with his characteristic smirk. "And I've got the perfect card to accompany it, Soul Absorption. Now each time a card is removed from play, I gain 500 life points."

* * *

Then realization dawned on Santa's face,

As the final pieces of Kaiba's strategy fell into place.

"Kaiba," Santa cried, "You're falling into your vice.

"Your strategy will only capitalize on your monsters' sacrifice."

* * *

"That why it's called strategy," Kaiba declared. "I activate the spell card Silent Doom to revive Mystic Horseman in defense mode. Now with Fusion Gate, I merge Mystic Horseman with Battle Ox to create Rabid Horseman (2000/1700)! Then I remove the Dark Blade on my field and Pitch-Dark Dragon in my hand from play to summon Dark Blade the Dragon Knight (2200/1500)!"

_Santa 10500: Kaiba 2850_

* * *

First, Kaiba's spell revived his destroyed centaur,

That leapt into the computer grid with the Minotaur.

And out of the grid to both their confusion,

Was a beast that was both man-horse and man-bull, in an odd sort of fusion.

* * *

Then dragon and knight put on a performance that was a repeat,

As their ultimate united form would soon be complete,

For knight and dragon were then fused into one,

To ensure Santa's work would be undone.

* * *

"Next I activate Spell Reproduction," Kaiba declared. "I discard Different Dimension Hangar and Stop Defense to return Card of Demise to my hand, so I can play it again."

* * *

Once more the powers of Kaiba's deck were set to be displayed,

As once more he activated the spell that was a double edged blade.

For in playing them in the same turn, its effect he did splice,

So that in five turns he'd have to discard his hand twice.

* * *

"I discard a copy of Thunder Dragon (1600/1500) from my hand to add two copies of the dragon to my hand. Then I activate Fusion Gate's effect again removing both of my dragons from play to special summon Twin-Headed Thunder Dragon (2800/2100)!"

_Santa 10500: Kaiba 3850_

* * *

Two electric dragons both a shade of dark green,

Flew into the vortex created by Kaiba's duel disk machine.

And out came a large red thunder type, who attack points didn't lack,

Although one had to wonder why it had a mouth on its back.

* * *

"I know the goal for which you are trying to strive,

"But even with the combined attack points of all your monsters, I will survive.

"Your inability to show kindness makes me feel ill,

"Especially since you are going for a one turn kill!"

* * *

"That's right old man," Kaiba laughed. "And it will succeed because I still haven't summoned my ultimate monster! I send my three legendary dragons into the fusion vortex to create their ultimate form! Now my Blue Eyes White Dragons (3000/2500) fuse together!"

* * *

Kaiba's signature monsters whose skin was the same as snow in hue,

Formed onto the field then into the vortex/grid they flew,

Fused together, their ultimate power was released,

Heralding the arrival of Kaiba's ultimate beast.

* * *

"Behold the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! (4500/3800)"

_Santa 10500: Kaiba 5350_

* * *

All three of its heads had teeth that were exceptionally sharp,

And woe unto the fool that tried to calm the beast down by playing a harp.

Kaiba's victory seemed to be a forgone conclusion,

As in one turn he had summoned five monsters via fusion.

* * *

"Now, its time to dispose of those trash monsters of yours!" Kaiba declared.

* * *

"Oh Kaiba, your chances of victory are just a dream,

"For my monsters attack points render them all supreme!"

(8750/8750) == (0/0) x3 (11050/10750) == (2300/2000)

"What's this?" Santa cried out, almost unable to speak.

"What happened to my monsters? Why are they all so weak?"

* * *

"Your monsters' effects only apply while your field spell was in play, but don't worry you won't have to look at their weak forms for long! XYZ-Dragon Cannon vaporize his Neo Parshath! Rabid Horseman, Dark Blade the Dragon Knight, Twin-Headed Thunder Dragon wipe out his Agents!" Kaiba commanded.

* * *

Kaiba's Megazord monster took careful aim,

And opened fire on the angel monster to begin the end of the game.

Rabid Horseman in one stroke ensured a hammer wielder was dead,

By decapitation, otherwise known as splitting body from head.

* * *

The Dragon Knight flew forward without giving his opponent a chance.

And shattered both hammer and stabbed his enemy in the heart with a thrust of his lance.

Twin-Headed Thunder Dragon's attack let out a terrible crash,

As two bolts of lightning reduced its target to ash.

_Santa 3000: Kaiba 5350_

* * *

"And just to add a bit more to your humiliation, I'll use Dark Blade's effect to remove three of your monsters from play, boosting my life points higher" Kaiba taunted.

_Santa 3000: Kaiba 6850_

* * *

"Now to finish this, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon attack that third rate duelist, Neutron Blast attack!"

* * *

The three dragon heads each opened their mouth,

Ensuring that Santa's prospects for victory were falling south.

Concerned for his well being, Santa fell down to one knee,

Then meekly asked, "How about best two out of three?"

* * *

The three headed dragon let out a roar,

With sound and ferocity that were hard to ignore.

With one terrible blast of sound, power and light;

The dragon brought an end to the duel that night.

_Santa 0000: Kaiba 6850_

* * *

"Looks like you're out of luck fat man," Kaiba taunted. "I won the duel so I don't have to change my ways and now you have to get the hell of my property."

* * *

"You won," Santa stand, "I knew that you could,

"So I came up with a back up plan in case you should.

"A little ensure policy should I fail,

"Which sadly means I must resort to….blackmail."

* * *

Santa pointed to his sleigh, specifically the part that looked like a miniature lamb,

And Kaiba realized that it was in fact, a web cam.

"A while back I updated my sleigh so Mrs. Claus wouldn't fret,

"Installed a web cam, GPS, radar, and a signal for wireless Internet."

* * *

"My elves should have taken off for here when they heard of the crash,

"So I expect they'll arrive in a flash.

"They'll try to make repairs and hopefully I'll take off soon,

"Of course by then the whole world will have seen you being a goon."

* * *

"Unfortunately, my flex time has almost run out,

"And I won't be able to complete my rounds without it," Santa said with a pout.

"I've only been able to deliver to a small fraction,

"When I crashed and wrecked my flying contraption.

* * *

"Christmas will be ruined if I can't take off shortly,

"And everyone will know it's your fault," added the man who was portly.

"They'll see you, Seto Kaiba, being a boob,

"After this duel gets posted onto YouTube."

* * *

"I don't respond well to threats," Kaiba stated through clenched teeth as he grabbed Santa by the collar. "Especially from those who don't honor their promises after a duel."

* * *

Then suddenly the roof door opened, far more than a crack,

And Kaiba spun around to see who was to his back.

Then onto the roof came the one he cared for more than any other,

Still in his pajamas, came Mokuba, his little brother.

* * *

"Seto," Mokuba began shivering in the cold.

"I watched and saw your duel with this man who is old."

"It's really him, it's really Santa.

"He's really real, like Hanna Montana."

* * *

"For the hundredth time Mokuba, Hanna Montana is a fictional character played by Miley Cyrus. Wait, you're rhyming too! It's a terrible rhyme, but it's still a rhyme." Kaiba grabbed Santa and shook him angrily. "What have you done to Mokuba?!"

* * *

"There is," Santa began, "a very good reason.

"It all has to do with the spirit of the Holiday Season.

"Of love, of caring, and generosity it is a time,

"But when most needed, a place for unnecessary rhyme."

* * *

"This changes nothing, I'm not going to help you 'Save Christmas' since it's your own damn fault for crashing."

* * *

"But Seto," Mokuba begged, eyes filling up with tears.

"Losing Christmas has always been one of my biggest fears.

"I love the presents, the music, the lights, that's all true,

"But what I love most is that I get to spend a lot of time with you."

* * *

Kaiba growled and then some people say,

The CEO's heart had a slight palpitation that day.

His grip on Santa he finally relented,

And then he said something, somewhat unexpected.

* * *

"Fine, for Mokuba, I'll help, but I'm not rhyming!" he added as an after thought.

* * *

"I knew you'd help Kaiba, you're not a douche,

"And you're certainly not related to Code Geass's Lelouch."

Then down from the skies came a happy event,

As a miniature sleigh pulled by one reindeer made its descent.

* * *

Then out of the sleigh with the help of some shelves,

Came half a dozen of Santa's elves,

Effortlessly they exited, although one did fall,

And their tiny size made Mokuba feel very tall.

* * *

"Santa," the elf leader began.

"We've come to repair the sleight, according to this construction plan."

"Repairing the sleight may take a bit of time,

"But it would take less if we didn't always have to rhyme."

* * *

"Santa?" Mokuba asked, the impudent whelp.

"What can Seto and I do to help?"

Santa thought for a moment as Mokuba began to shiver,

"It would help if all my Japanese presents within thirty minutes, you were to deliver."

* * *

"Yeah and how exactly am I supposed to fly all over Japan delivering presents in thirty minutes?" Kaiba asked still skeptical about the whole situation.

* * *

Then suddenly a roar Kaiba did hear,

He spun around to see his Ultimate Dragon did not disappear.

Then at Kaiba's feet, a couple of elves who never did nag,

Dropped Santa's legendary toy holding bag.

* * *

"Seto Kaiba I am lending you my legendary sack,

"Which you should lift with your knees and not with your back,

"In order to ensure Christmas you do not accidentally wreck,

"I have brought to life all the creatures in your deck.

* * *

"As you fly, summon monsters with your hand,

"And they'll deliver the presents for you, now isn't that grand?

"You must hurry, go on take flight,

"You must deliver the presents tonight."

* * *

"This seems more and more like a bad fan fic," Kaiba muttered as he climbed on his dragon's back.

* * *

And so flying unprotected through the skies, Kaiba took the risk,

Then drew cards from his deck to slap onto his duel disk,

Loyal monsters he had relied on in duels you see,

Were summoned to deliver the toys by going down a chimney.

* * *

Monsters were summoned and floated down,

A bicycle and train set were carried by Saggi the Dark Clown,

And Star Wars figures, specifically Darth Vader,

Were handled with care by the blood thirsty Vorse Raider.

* * *

Kaiba divided his troupes to cover different parts of the route,

So children in the morning would not pout.

A new plan of action is what Kaiba would prescribe,

As to the west flew the members of his deck's dragon tribe.

* * *

And Kaiba fell briefly into a rut,

When he had to deliver a present to Joey Wheeler, known to him as the Mutt.

And away from the Wheeler house Kaiba did scurry,

Because he hated being within ten feet of that closet furry.

* * *

"I hope there wasn't anything valuable in there," Kaiba chuckled as he dropped Joey's present down the chimney, "Santa just said to deliver the presents, he didn't say how."

* * *

Kaiba recalled his monsters and returned to the mansion in less than half an hour,

Still riding on the back of his dragon of awesome power.

His task was now thankfully through,

And so were the elves for the sleigh was as good as new.

* * *

Kaiba tossed over the far lighter bag,

Which was quickly loaded on board and caused the sleigh to slightly sag,

Santa began, "I know this task you did resent,

"So I think you have earned this little present."

* * *

Kaiba opened the lid and much to his surprise,

Something he had always wanted came to his eyes.

A pen drive with contents that would make many people fuss,

For within the drive contained a very specialized virus.

* * *

"But how?" Kaiba asked shocked. "How did you know…"

* * *

"I know everything Kaiba, even your addiction,

"I know that you enjoy reading fan fiction.

"And no matter how much you try to deny,

"I know your favorite is Dark Patrician's GX: UBI!" (Cheap plug)

* * *

"I also know how much you'd want the destruction to be nigh,

"Of fan fictions that put you in love with a guy.

"So on this pen drive, a created a program,

"That will replace all the text of those fictions with the word 'Spam.'"

* * *

Seto stared in shock at the powerful device that his possession,

A key to destroying the fan girls' obsession,

He knew this time tomorrow there would be much swearing,

As nobody would ever be able to read a Kaiba/m pairing.

* * *

"You are real," Kaiba stated shocking himself. "Santa is real, and I dueled him."

* * *

"I went over my records, and checked it twice,

"And decided to put you on the anti-hero version of the list of the nice.

"Mokuba fell asleep; he's inside not to far,

"Dreaming of sugar plums, whatever the hell those things are.

* * *

"My yearly task I must now continue,

"And take my presents to another venue."

Santa Claus gave Kaiba's shoulder a proud little pat,

Then he leapt onto the sleigh, with the skills of a cat.

* * *

"On Dasher, on Vixen, on Cupid and Comet,

"And you other four reindeer who's names at the moment I forget,

"Our task is not yet through,

"And watch out for that freaking statue!"

* * *

Then the sleighs took off into the stars that shone,

Leaving Kaiba on the roof, all alone.

He walked down the stairs, picked up Mokuba and carefully tread,

As he put his beloved brother carefully in bed.

* * *

Then the next morning, as everybody woke up to see their gifts,

And British people rode in elevators they called lifts.

The staff awoke and were quite observant,

To see gifts for all of them even the lowliest servant.

* * *

For their loyalty in their station,

Kaiba had given them all two weeks paid vacation,

And Roland, Kaiba's trusted right hand,

Got the Super Deluxe Mega-Ultra, Groupie Included edition of Rock Band.

* * *

And Mokuba, Seto's beloved little bro,

Got a tracking device so his whereabouts Kaiba would always know,

Although for days Mokuba would rant,

About the incredible pain it took to install that implant.

* * *

So if the point of the story some of you did miss,

Hey guess what for his brother, Seto Kaiba just saved Christmas!

He may be a selfish cold-hearted egotistical jerk,

But why try and fix something that does work?

* * *

So here's a Happy Holiday to You and Yours,

May the coming New Year open many doors,

And to all you Kaiba fans, I know your just getting over your spasm,

Because many of you, just had a nerd-gasm.

* * *

**Created Cards for this Fiction:**

_One to Grave, One to Hand_

_Normal Spell_

_Both players select two cards from their decks with different card names. Your opponent then selects one of the cards you selected at random and sends it to the graveyard. The other card is added to your hand. You then select one of the cards your opponent selected at random and sent it to the graveyard. The other card is added to your opponent's hand._

_Reward for Generosity, Punishment for Greed_

_Continuous Spell_

_When a card effect would either cause your opponent to draw cards outside their Draw Phase or increase your opponent's life points, you may switch that card's target to yourself. When this card is destroyed both players draw a card._


End file.
